Day 38 – When Friends Drop the R Bomb

On August 28th, my wife lost her job. 24 hours later, I lost mine. This blog is a continuation of the day-by-day chronicling of our emotional journey back to employment. This is bound to be upsetting, hilarious and hopeful.

Sunday – October 5, 2014

Pretty sure I’ve mentioned before that one of our coping mechanisms is to have friends over to play board games. In case you didn’t know, this is a very Mormon thing to do. We don’t drink, but we like to talk and have fun, so board games provide one ideal engagement.

“But, but, but…” I’ve heard some say. “BEER!” But the truth is if I’m missing anything by not drinking, I don’t know it. I do know Erin isn’t missing anything. She has often been accused of reaching a state of drunkenness, though she’s never had so much as one alcoholic beverage. She just knows how to have fun. Though I will say putting a little (non-alcoholic, of course) apple cider in her doesn’t hurt. I think all Mormons are probably terrible drunks, and this is why we abstain. You’re welcome, world.

Tonight’s game mates were Cody and Kristen. They always make us laugh and tonight was no exception. Worry just disappears when they’re around, as it did for a couple hours tonight.

I take that back. There was one down moment when Kristen let slip the “R” Word for the second time in our house. In order to address Cody’s condescension at her learning of a new game she said:

“I’m not retarded.”

For a brief moment you could not have heard a pin drop because the silence was just that deafening. It’s always an awkward moment when the R Bomb drops like that. My immediate instinct is to say nothing because that’s just going to make it MORE uncomfortable. But, as the parent of a child with special needs, that’s not really an option. I HAVE to say something. That word and what it’s come to mean is simply not okay, especially in our house.

Thankfully, Kristen made it so I didn’t have to say a word. Her cheeks flared up with red hot embarrassment as she closed her eyes, reared her head back, and said, “I can’t believe I did it again.” The tension of the moment quickly ran out, and we all started laughing. I admitted Erin and I had used that word lazily once upon a time, too, and that we understood. Kristen was deeply apologetic. I think we could have asked for a kidney and she would have given it to us. She knows better, she just slipped.


We’ve found that’s true with most people: they do better when they know better–but everyone is human. It’s an ugly word made even uglier at times by peoples’ defense of it. “But I wasn’t talking about your daughter,” is one I’ve heard a lot. No, but you equated something awful with people like her. That’s not okay because she is the opposite of awful. (I’ve written about the R-Word before, explaining in more detail why the word is so awful and why I support its eradication.)

None of this put a damper on the night at all and we moved on quickly. At this point, we can’t help but be completely, inadequately grateful for the friends that surround us. We’ve always had friends, but it seems like we’re in a new golden age of friendships where we have people looking out for us constantly and with whom we know we can instantly have a good time. It hasn’t always been this way, and I like to think that having it now is one more way God is looking out for and blessing us at this kind of terrible time. He, after all, knew what was coming.

* * *

I demonstrated gross incompetence today by burning oatmeal. Pro tip: do not put instant oatmeal in the microwave without water. The oatmeal will burn, the plastic bowl it’s sitting in will melt, and copious amounts of smoke will emanate from the microwave before the full minute is even over. Also, you should learn to love the smell of burnt plastic because that will be what your entire house smells like for the forseeable future. Maybe eternity.

* * *

General Conference continued today, and one of the themes that stuck out to me was the necessity of focusing on the most needful and important things, particularly when it comes to social media. This is a topic I have a vested interest in as, quite obviously, I spend a good portion of my day plugged in and interacting with you good people. Sometimes, admittedly, to the detriment of my family. It’s something I’m working on. The point was made that good things can become insidious when they take our attention away from better things. Good things, basically, can become bad. How very true that is.

7 thoughts on “Day 38 – When Friends Drop the R Bomb

  1. It is one word that I never use. And so far I’ve never heard my kids use it. I think it is because we all know what it means, does to people. But this is a good reminder to make sure it does not suddenly slip into the regularly used vocabulary…

    Liked by 1 person

  2. People can be thoughtless. But I bet your friend really beat herself up over this for ages. However I am so glad you have friends to enjoy life with. It is so important in times of stress. What really comes through to me is the strength of your community, your values and faith is keeping you going and at the same time you are experiencing all the normal fears and emotions of anybody else in your situation.

    Tell me are your friends of the Mormon faith too?

    Denise, Love from England


    1. Yes, most of my friends are also Mormon. Most of my friends that aren’t Mormon were from work, and while I still have many of them, obviously it’s a bit harder to stay in touch. I also have lots of artist friends online who are not Mormon.

      You’re right that there’s so much strength to be taken from the Mormon community. We really, truly look out for each other and enjoy each other’s company.


  3. In the UK, “retarded” isn’t really used for people with developmental delay or disability (except in a formal medical context), but nonetheless it is seen as offensive. It’s so hard to expunge words from your vocabulary when you hear other people using them – they seep into your mind, no matter how hard you try to resist.

    To add to your advice on oatmeal, I would like to make a public service announcement about making casserole in the oven: do not put a plastic lid on top of the glass casserole dish. Shrink-wrapped stew is not edible. I learnt this the hard way.


    1. Yikes! I hope you didn’t ruin your oven doing that. I just about ruined the microwave.

      And you’re right about awful words. Takes a sharp mind to get rid of them, but it’s worth the effort.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s